bedroom @ home
I’m done with losing sleep due to studying for exams, but I’m still losing sleep because of my poor choices -__-
I am so fucking stressed right now. I have two exams this week and one next Monday, on the same day this huge application is due. I have to answer all these introspective questions and write a personal statement about why I want to be a dentist. It wasn’t a huge realization. I just don’t know what else I can do and it seems to match my skills alright.
I also don’t have nearly enough volunteering on my resume and the hospital I applied to two fucking months ago still hasn’t finished up my preliminary work. And when I called them today, the just decided to tell me now that the only available positions are in fucking administration. I’m going to be sorting papers. For 8 hours a week. No. I wasted two months already and I’m not going to waste the rest of this year, but it might be too late to find something actually worthwhile. I don’t know what to do.
I spent almost 12 hours on physics homework this weekend for something that’s only worth 10 points. But I’m not doing well on quizzes so I need those points. And I don’t know how to study for this exam.
I’ve been having all these weird feelings about IH lately. I said no to dating him but I suddenly have a bunch of intrusive thoughts about kissing or groping him. Intrusive thoughts have always happened to me but not to this degree. Maybe because I know that he would be receptive to them in some way, my subconscious is throwing this shit at me. I don’t need this right now. gah
DZ’s guided practica was today. I was planning on going for just half an hour to have him sign his tax form, but it turns out I left my everything folder at the game center earlier today and it had that in it. I had a headache sneaking up too so I didn’t really want to go jostle it around more. So I stayed and danced. It was lovely. There were only four club members there and we all got some really good tips.
D called me out on avoiding them and the Valentine’s day milonga and tried to make me promise to be his Valentine next year if I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I need to get a boyfriend o__o
Everyone left the tango club. B is officially leaving too. What am I going to do? There were a bunch of things happening this weekend and I wanted to go to at least one of them but with these politics I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable, especially if B is not there with me.
My new roommate moved in last Friday and my first impression was a little iffy. She brought a pack of solo cups and her girlfriend. I haven’t had much experience interacting with lesbians. I mean there was IM in high school who was a little much. She was nice to talk to most of the time, but everything she posts on fb is so in-your-face LGBT I can’t stand it.
After talking to L a bit though, she seems really down to earth and is just like any other normal girl. I see her being really close with Sh, but they’re so sweet. I mean actually I do a lot of that stuff with B and S. She’s more relateable than SO was. There was a weird amount of energy coming off of her and her interests just didn’t really match mine at all. She also was a little intimidating.
IH… I feel like we’re acting like a couple without doing the romantic stuff. We feed each other, we baked cookies together this past weekend, we may or may not be watching a movie this weekend, and I’m spending more time with him than I am with B. I guess we do have more hw to do together, but I miss B so much and I want to do all that stuff with her too. Also, this is a little weird.
In the costume shop, there’s this woman with one of the most striking looks I’ve come across in real life and the greatest sense of humor. One memorable thing she said today was after SC said she’d take home a project to work on over the snow day. Good intentions, road to hell, you know. T said it could be the name of the film she was working on. The road to hell, a memoir. It was awesome.
Artist Julian Schabel’s master bedroom.
I keep having these deja vu moments. Today in biometrics I realized I had a dream a while ago where I was in the same lecture hall writing down the same information, but I was in a different seat. I’m probably just unconsciously adjusting the memory to match what I was seeing at that moment, but it felt so weird. This actually happens every few weeks or months.
On Monday I went to dinner with the girl I met about a month ago, the daughter of one of my dad’s college classmates who is now teaching at this school. She brought a few of her friends from TASA, and it was nice hanging out with them. I felt included in their conversation most of the time and not too uncomfortable saying a few things myself. I really like ZF. She seems to be exceptionally observant and says the right things all the time.
D, L, and RW came in toward the end of our meal. They were headed to Zandunga and were dressed so much nicer than anyone else in the restaurant it was really weird. D looked thinner and more tired than usual but he wasn’t upset at me, I don’t think. I wish I could help him change, but I can’t be negative the way my dad is toward my brother. I really wish I was closer to my brother so trying with him wouldn’t seem so out of place, but I don’t even know how to talk to him anymore.
My relationship with IH is kind of back to normal now. We’re in the same lab group, with a girl I know from Agape and another senior who hadn’t taken physics i. IH went to get coffee so I talked with J during the time before class started and didn’t exactly save him a seat like he asked me too, yikes. I’m not good at physics anymore, or rather I was never really good at it practically. I don’t think as quickly as IH does and I don’t speak nearly as much. And this entire semester is more on stuff that I can’t visualize, so I’m struggling a little. I hope I don’t look stupid to him, but I know I will.
I told IH that I don’t feel anything different with a bunch of stuttering and pausing and he said that I’m feeling worse about this than I should be. He’s so kind TT__TT but then we walked in an awkward silence until it was time to part ways. I’m so glad I got this over with but I’m nervous of facing him again on Wednesday and then for the rest of the semester. Oh god why did he have to ask in the first place??
This weekend I also sent two long ass emails, one to R telling her about the situation because she is removed from the situation yet is still a vital part of our community, and because she just seems so wise to me. The other was to D telling him to stop being such a twat. I was agonizing over this for hours and he responded in like three minutes addressing my points generally. I wish I was as confident with my words as other people are. It would definitely save me a lot of time. R told me she would respond later, so I’m waiting for her words.
I don’t know what to do with the tango club anymore. Everyone is against this one guy, only his girlfriend unconditionally supports him. I’ve been kind of supporting him, because I can see that he really cares about the club, but the way he alienates everyone and goes behind other peoples backs to maintain control really baffles me.
W called an executive meeting today to discuss how D is not communicating a lot of important decisions with the rest of the club and generally taking over everything without saying that explicitly. He tells me that he is telling people to do their job but being ignored, and I can kind of see that because a few important reservations didn’t happen. I don’t know who to believe.
D seems to trust me though, and I feel a little guilty because he is so unhappy about all of this and he does care. But he’s acting like a fucking child. He doesn’t need to do what he’s doing for the club to function. And he changed the password to the club’s email to prevent W from sending this email to more club members. And he was all secretive about it. I suspect he was also the one who deleted the facebook post, which is only seen by core members anyway.
Ok I just got a call from campus police asking about the incident today, how long D has seemed upset, whether he exhibited any threatening behavior. What the FUCK.
After the official exec board meeting I talked with CO a bit about her feelings about D. She’s the most outspoken about what she thinks is wrong about the club, and she has some very valid points, but they didn’t really justify things actually not getting done without D doing them. RW came by with B, and CO spoke to him a little more. He reacted the way I hoped he would, so I can have more confidence in him being president.
I feel bad for RW in all of this. He’s just a freshman and though he ran for president, he didn’t really understand how much baggage that role came with. He seems capable though, and I would prefer him over A. A just is not so personable, and serving as the face of the club requires that. His decisions are also a little cold, and I don’t really feel comfortable talking to him sometimes.
We all walked back into the room but I was still freaking out, so I went out again after like 2 seconds to talk with B. She had some smart observations and I wish I could be more perceptive. And I wish I wasn’t so afraid of voicing my opinions.
I’m so sick of this. I just wanted to fucking dance.
The other thing that happened today was that I went on a date with IH. He came by toward the end of the practica and hung out with the club for a while. It looked as if he walked in at the end of the exec board meeting, but I actually don’t know when he got there. We went to dinner and I thought we were going to do something else but we took the bus back to the student union and then he was just like bye and jumped off the bus.
I wanted to tell him that I don’t think I’m ready for this. I don’t feel any differently toward him than I did before, or toward any of my other friends. I just enjoy hanging out with him and I don’t think that’s quite enough to build a romantic relationship on. But I’m also not sure whether this is because of what I think is depression. My emotions have become less intense, starting from around sophomore year of high school. So I don’t actually know what I’m feeling toward him. But if I feel so agitated about this it probably is not the right thing to go into a relationship. I don’t want to go too dark with this conversation though, he’s not even that close of a friend yet.