I’m flipping aimlessly between fb, tumblr, and reddit to avoid studying for physics. I just need something else to do. The festival kind of starts tonight, with that private lesson with N and D. I’m almost free. Just one more exam. 

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I feel like D is taking advantage of the fact that I’m not reacting to some treatment he gives me. And even when I do, I filter it so much that it seems like I’m just making a suggestion and he never takes it seriously. For the volunteering schedule he gave me as many as or more shifts than everyone else in the club while he and L aren’t on there at all. (I think L is helping out with the instructors so I guess that makes more sense). And they were the shittiest ones too. But I have done hours and hours or work outside working on applications and documents and payments, and running around to print and deliver them to all these different people. And I’m going to be making decorations, which I over the past two years have probably taken 20+ hours of work, none of which went appreciated. I still had the same amount of hours as everyone else. I had better be able to take all the classes I want to. He revised the schedule so I’m mostly on set-up and break-down, but I’m pretty sure he timed one of my shifts so I wouldn’t be able to watch the performance. 

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I didn’t get in to the language house. Every endeavor of mine that involved an interview so far has failed. I thought I did pretty well on this one too. I’m not going to get in to dental school. 

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I went to see Pentatonix in concert last night. S was slow in get ready and then we just missed one train and had to wait 15 minutes for the next one. We had to spring from the stop to the concert venue and I thought I was going to throw up. We were 7 minutes late but they started a little behind schedule so we didn’t end missing anything. But on the way she mentioned that she didn’t know the names of the members and didn’t even know that they had original songs. B and I were dying of anxiety. I don’t know what I would have done if we’d missed part of the show. God she’s so careless. 

I made my first sale in Etsy on Friday. I’m so excited. This is already doing so much better than my first attempt and I haven’t even posted it to fb or advertised it on my tumblr. But the target population isn’t really those groups, so it doesn’t matter. I’m getting much more return out of the amount of time I’m putting into it too, since I’m sewing instead of crocheting, something I know much better. I’m so glad I decided to do this. I saw the email at the tango lesson and showed people there. D and JS told me I could raise my prices to at least two times what they are, since it’s such a niche market and quite a few people in the community seem to be big spenders. I feel like since I’m so new, I can start a little smaller. 

This entire month - the time leading up to and after spring break - has been incredible unproductive. I did get a response from the second hospital, finally, but it’s just an information session. What if I can’t work there either? What am I even going to do? There is no good back-up plan for this. 

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I had my interview with the language house yesterday and the director kind of recognized me from when I went to coffee chat in my freshman year. I thought I was doing well and I was able to answer most of the questions without stumbling, but toward the end she asked about who my role model was. I said my dad, and since I wrote most of my personal statement about him I thought I would be able to talk about him, but I couldn’t really articulate it well. She also asked what I would bring to the language house and I didn’t know how to answer. She immediately observed “you’re a follower.” And it’s absolutely true. I just wish she didn’t see it so obviously. But it’s apparent that she can read people very well. And she can speak the 10 languages that they offer in the house conversationally and more. Wow. B says that she is intimidating and I can definitely see it, but I also felt comfortable talking to her for some reason. This is the type of person I wish I could be. 

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I think I’ve settled back into depression. Maybe because of that story and maybe because I got so little work done over this week. My life feels so pointless. 

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I’m even rereading this one fic from several years ago, called The Window. The writing is somehow more touching and humorous than many real books I can find. Why can’t I find legit books like this? The author’s portrayal of the main character is so relateable in this. Her fears are almost exactly mine. Too bad I don’t have someone to turn to the way she does…

I still haven’t gotten a volunteering position. I told myself that I would call the GW hospital to find out things, but then L moved back in and I hate talking on the phone when others are listening in. Why can’t I just give no fucks like a normal person? I’m trying so hard to get rid of this anxiety but it still fucking runs my life. 

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Literally all I’ve done over break is read fanfiction. I did at least manage to get rid of the malware that I accidentally gave myself trying to get new music.

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I went to an alumni choir rehearsal at my high school last night. My bus ride took a little longer than I was expecting and then there was a ton of traffic getting out of the parking lot, and I nearly didn’t go because I would be so late. I’m so glad I did though. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to the benefit concert this year and I definitely won’t be able to perform with them because I wouldn’t know the song. I got to see some friends that I hadn’t seen in almost two years. SR was close to me from the 6th grade but we haven’t really kept in contact after we went to college. But she was excited at seeing me and said she was thinking about me just the other day. I feel like we aren’t much alike anymore but I do still miss her a lot. 

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