Yesterday was the last karate practice, and it was also the last week of EM with the same coordinator, so I couldn’t miss that either. I was rushing to finish my chem homework before going, but B, S, and SW needed to go to the buffet dining hall. I had to leave karate early like I did every Thursday this semester.
A and J were the only ones there with me for the first half hour. Everyone was delayed. But then C showed up! I hadn’t seen her for months it feels like. M arrived soon afterward and then K. I was so so happy. I hadn’t seen him for the past two weeks and if I didn’t get to say goodbye I would have been absolutely devastated. C and K did their evaluations today and the rest of us followed along too. K has such an intuitive understanding of all the applications. I think he had only started when he first got to college too, and he’s already advanced past basic green belt. I remember during the demonstration at JASA, I was utterly mesmerized at how precise and synchronized he was with Sensei. He’s beautiful to watch. I got to see him smile wide when he accidentally moved to the just the kata instead of the bunkai and went back through it again.
When my alarm went off I went around and hugged everyone but it wasn’t enough. I’m seriously going to miss everyone, especially C and K TT__TT. I changed and went back around the corner to get some water and saw C there so I talked to her some more. She said she would probably come back to visit as an alumnus, since she is from the area. I told her about my exciting plans for the summer and I hugged her like five times. I followed her back in to the gym and hugged K again, asking him whether I’d ever see him again. I was really tearing up at this point. I hope that he will come back to visit, or that we could get lunch or something in NJ sometime.
B and I finished the chem homework late, so we told CO to go without us. We took the metro there and arrived at around 10:30pm. I was shocked by how many people there were there. The floor was practically shoulder to shoulder and there were tons of other people standing on the sides too. I danced with that Korean guy with the bandanna first, and then with Alfredo. He got exponentially creepier and that was definitely the last one I’ll do with him. I need to work on saying no. Bill raised the lights and talked of the history of EM, how he set the place up. It was such a heartwarming speech and I wish I could have been there to see it. It sounded magical, especially his description of the early summer outdoor milongas with Japanese lanterns in the trees. He introduced Javier Antar and Kara Wenham, who performed a set of beautiful, euphoric dances. It was a joy to watch.
I danced with II afterward and I swear he’s getting better every week. He’s got such creativity and adaptive instinct. Even if I mess up he can catch up in an instant. I dance with Y, finally. He was a little sweaty but it was a wonderful tanda. He said that I improved a lot too. He asked whether I’d be returning to NJ for the summer, and I told him about my study abroad program too, and the tango festival that I’ll be going to at the end of it. The dance with him really made my night.
This is the end of any possibility of fun until after finals. This semester has been so strange. I feel like it’s just barely started and it’s already over. And I’m losing people all over again.
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I’m spiraling into depression I think. I just can’t handle increase in the amount I work I had to do this semester. Everything feels so out of control.
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I had my final presentation for my honors seminar today. The idea for the topic only came to me yesterday, so it was a wonder that I finished considering how long it usually takes me to prepare an essay. I can’t do presentations by the way, so I just basically wrote an essay with more colloquial language and then read it out loud in class. It was terrible and hesitant, and I didn’t really use the board or engage the class at all. And then the question session at the end was awful awful. I guess it was partly my fault for choosing a topic that only barely began to understand, but the question sounded so convoluted to me that I just didn’t know how to answer it. So I gave a stuttering, incomplete, utter crap answer that must have been embarrassing even to watch. I’m so glad it’s over at least, and maybe I can address that question in my essay, after I’ve had a chance to mull it over (or forget it probably is what’s going to happen). She asked about City of Glass and I think which one was more valid according to existentialism. Something like that.
I’ve come to the realization that I’m just a really slow thinker when it comes to words. I can’t really talk out my opinions because I don’t know how to organize my thoughts and formulate them into a complete response. Writing is so much more efficient for me. Presentations like this are hell for me.
I don’t think I could ever be a scientific researcher because a lot of this career seems to rely on presentations to your peers, or to a reviewing committee, and I just wouldn’t be able to handle their questions. Going into medicine or dentistry, really, are the only possibilities for me. But with the grades I’m getting this semester, I don’t know if I’ll still have that chance.
I went to Zandunga with B, L, CS, and SR. N and A met up with us there. I just couldn’t bring myself to get involved in the conversation, even less that usual which was spare enough. I was just completely drained from that presentation. I sat with CS at the table in silence for almost two tandas. My company is probably meaningless to her. She didn’t even try to talk to me. I think A probably feels similarly. He’s getting pretty close with B, but all I do really is exchange looks with him and smile occasionally. I need to try harder.
In terms of just dancing the night was a success. RF finally asked me to dance! The last and only time we’d danced previously was during a class at the festival. LG asked me too. He’s one of the most fun people I’ve danced with. But I didn’t really speak to him at all either, we didn’t even introduce ourselves. I danced with RK for an early tanda and then for the last two. He asked me to change the embrace to a V shape, and it completely changed my dancing. My crosses were much smoother and it generally improved overall. He told me the same, but I was amazed at what such a seemingly little change could do. We danced La Cumparsita together, a pretty significant moment since it’s traditionally reserved for a romantic partner or otherwise a favorite dance partner :>
S by the way has gotten much, much better as a leader in the past few weeks. What’s great about him is that he’s very creative. He puts together the steps he knows in ways I don’t expect at all, and it’s tons of fun. We don’t bump knees or step on each other nearly as much anymore either.
I’ve started watching circus videos again. I need to learn ballet and contortion. It’s like a fundamental yearning right now. I feel like this is what my body was built to do, why I’m so much better at moving than talking. I feel at my happiest when I’m dancing, even with my utter lack of training. I’m trying to train my body to turn and bend like a ballerina’s. I practice turn out and work out the muscles in my thighs to be able to raise my leg from standing.
I hope I can figure out my situation for the second half of the summer. I need to find a place to live that allows me to get onto campus easily, and I need to find a job. Then maybe I can take dance classes in DC. Please let this work…
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I’m having invasive thoughts about self injury just to avoid the work. I can’t anymore. I can’t.
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I’m trying to put together my final presentation for my honor’s seminar. It’s supposed to be focusing on the book Self-Help by Lorrie Moore, a collection of short stories that’s so melancholy and pointless-seeming that I just can’t come up with anything to say. The fact that it’s a collection of stories rather than just one continuous, unified thing makes it a lot harder than the majority of the other students’ focuses, I think. I don’t know whether to take a few of the important passages or to try to cover everything, since they all play a part in giving the book its mood and making it what it is. I also don’t know what themes to look at. I think existentialism might be a good focus, but it’s such a convoluted philosophy and I hadn’t read anything about it before today, so I hope it’s not too big of a challenge to attempt. I know at least one girl in the class will know all about this already, since she seems to be really into philosophy. I hope it’s comprehensible, since I really don’t know what I’m talking about right now. I just needed to rant a little because I have the worst writer’s block, and I hope that letting the words actually come together before trying to spill itself out will, if just for this stupid post, will help me get the right thoughts flowing.
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I’ve completely fucked up my sleeping schedule.
On Wednesday night I was so sleepy I decided to take a nap. This was at around 7pm, and I set my alarm for an hour later, but then I snoozed it and went on sleeping until about midnight. I figured I got almost enough sleep for that night so i stayed up until 7 studying for my quiz the next day. I felt kind of disoriented the next day but I thought I was fine. On Thursday night I was sleepy again at 7 ish so I took what turned out to be a three hour nap, then I studied and prepared for my presentation on Friday until about 6am. When I woke up it was 12:30 and I had missed both my presentation and most of my chem exam. I’ve never gotten to class quicker than I did on those few minutes, but I got there with only 5 minutes to the end of the exam. My professor is a dick and didn’t let me stay even a few minutes longer or make it up, so I’m probably only getting 10 points or less.
My PI was super nice about my missing the presentation and comforted me as I cried. She’s letting me do it next week, with no repercussions on my grade I think. I hope.
What angers me is that I knew the material that was on that exam and probably could have done pretty well if I hadn’t been so late. I hope that I can at least get a good score on the final. My only comfort is that the averages on the test are usually in the 50s, so I’m not going to fail this class at least. But I feel like a failure. It was such a stupid mistake to try to become an early morning person in this period.
I went the last tango lesson for the semester and everyone hugged me. I really love them. They’ve all become such close friends to me this year.
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